Where to start ?

Well ... in earlier post I said i am not going to party wif my friends, however in the end I ended up going... I was playing Audition and my frineds called me, telling me how they want me to come and that they would buy me battery if I feel tired. First I said no, but after phone call ended I suddenly decided to go!

Usuaaly I don't drink alcohol, however this time I got carried away which was very bad cos I had to go to work next day >_> OH MY GAWD!!! I felt so sick after I woke up saturday X_x can't eve describe it in words! Well somehow I made it thru and now feel a lot better. xD

Today I woke up when my mom came back from Pori, so that you know... I live alone but currently she is staying at my place till she find appartement to move to. I don't mind her staying since she help me out a lot so no complaining... Tho sometimes I miss my own peace. ;_;

Anyways... I woke up and what did I see... HO HO HO =X my mom gave me a output device/scanner <3
I am so happy!! Thank you mama! ^^ Now I can scan my stuff into PC and color it =P luckyyyy!

I ate and went back to sleep XD then woke up and decided to play AuditionSEA! <3

My nickname is -ASN-Hysha there and i am lv26 and probably gonna level again X_x anyways...
MkStyle was online and asked me to battle party wif him, I agreed and have to say it was good decision since I earned 70k or so ^^ it's nice!

Now I am writing here and going to go back to play after i'm done, since I have to go sleep early so want to play while I can. Tomorrow after work I need to write in Winglica cos I want to stay active as much as possible.

Which reminds me that I chatted wif Yuji ... well you can't call it chatting since I was feeling ill and he was.. something xD so we decided we will chat another time ^___^ can't wait to chat wif him cos haven talked wif him in ages now @@

Well I go play now =P maybe tomorrow i gonna make mood icon thingys ^^ untill tomorrow..

Ta Ta~ Be hawt XD

I haven't slept for a while now I think.. And currently listening Britney Spears - gimme gimme @@
Can't understand why this song is so obsessive.

I decided to start writing again tho I don't think anyone read it but I can read it myself then XD

I work at Nokia, I make cellphones which is not a bad job and i like it ^^ but I have to admit that I like job more cos of people that work there, not cos of the job itself!

Today i am having day off and trying to do something usefull >_> so I guess this is the usefull in my prioritys xD yes, my life is boring INDEED!

Was asked to go out with friends today but my body in bad shape right now, so I realy don't feel like going anywhere. ^^' I am hoping no one will get mad at me cos I kinda promised but realy, realy dun feel like drinking today! X_x

-Importans Info-
If U can make LJ layout then please become my sensei and teach me at least basics ? OR if you don't want or have time to teach then please make me custom layout ? If you agree, please comment me and I'll definetly pay you back somehow! ^^' I realy have no clue how to make one myself!!
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Well i'm not sure what else I wanted to write but I'll write later again ^^ Mata ne till tomorrow! <3

If someone want to kill me then go ahead... It would be enough to hear about person's great family... >.> WHAT did I do wrong for not having one.. huh ???

Did I ask too much ?? DID I ?? ..... I am so pissed off... Seriously. life sure don't give a chance to choose, huh... And after all I been through they tell me to believe in GOD ?!
EXUSE MEEEEE... where the heck he have been all my life... >.> I believed in him but I guess he didn't believe in me!!! So that's why the only peron I believe in is ME and ONLY ME!!! All my god damn life i had to do everything myself because my lovely mother cared about everything else than me..... THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am very sorry if I had said something that hurts others but untill you go through all the shit that I have been thgrough, you can't say anything to me...

And still I say thank you, because right now I am here and I am strong person!! yes a strong person without any love left in her... I can't feel anything... I never seen have it have to be so now I don't know how it is to love... or maybe I am just imagining things??!

- - - -


A child given birth to an adult unconscious of their sin dropped
I never had a name I don't even understand why I am here
and I haven't known my life of just these several months
I want to be loved I want to be born watching inside my mother's body
Its the second month since I gained consciousness, I felt something was too early
. I can't do anyhting yet, meanwhile the cord...

this incomplete me is scraped out, the pain pierces through my body
the voice of my screaming crying mother won't stop screeching in my ears.
The adults in white clothes pull me up, in their eyes full of cold blood,
I relfect bloodstained and without my right arm. They wrap me in black vinyl as is
While my consciousness gradually fades, I quietly think. If this me in the cage could be loved as I am
that would be enough I cant's let this go on
As I am unloved, I'd rather die
So I won't raise my newborn cry I'll quietly sleep
I wanted to see what it was like, just once, to feel a mother's love in my hand
I guess this is love...thank you
a door that can never be opened again has been shut tightly.
but you know what ? I am surely your future.

- - - -

I threw away everything that I loved
Nothing remains anymore
I threw away not only things that have a shape
But every important thing as well
I threw away everything

But I do not feel lonely or anything

A telephone pole on my way tried to tell me something
When I beckoned it with, "What do you want to say?"
It fucking told me, "The truth is that you are lonely, right?"
When I answered, "That's not like that"
"......" It then could not utter a word

But I do not feel lonely or anything, because I am just fine by myself
But I do not feel sad or anything, because I threw away my feelings as well

An unknowing, innocent child does not fear to be thrown away
This unknowing, innocent self of mine does not exist anymore

Because I threw it away?

- - - -

Today too, I'm gazing at the square sky
It's everything to this self of mine.
My very beautiful mama whom I love
I'll be a very good kid today too.
You don't give me a hug
But you smell really good, really.
Today, we're setting out for very far
Together with my favorite doll.

Mama? It's fun, isn't it?

My gentle mama whom I love very much
You're nowhere to be found since we came here
My gentle mama whom I love very much

Please, mama, don't leave me alone
Please, mama, I'm a good kid?
Mama? Mama?

My gentle mama whom I love very much
You're nowhere to be found since we came here
Waiting alone feels lonely
So please come back fast.

My gentle mama whom I love very much
I'm lost, I can't go back home
Even my voice screaming
"I'm here!" doesn't come out anymore.
In reality, I somehow knew.
You don't need me anymore?
I made a few friends
Who are just like me.
White shadows hold me down
Although I hate the injection because it hurts,
I seem to be forgetting even mama's smell.
I'll only sleep a little.

It was only a memory
Mama has a different shape
You threw me away
And today, I died.

- - - -

A swarm of black ants, walking at a fast pace
They are laughing, but where is it that they are headed for?

I think. The terminal of this world is
At the limits of the sorrow that's beyond the answers
Will I die soon? Isn't that scary?
Because things that began are necessarily waiting for the end

And yet, I suppose that I am wishing for happiness.

I know how hard it is to cry
I know how poor is my own heart
And I am clinging to happiness

Someday, I suppose that even smiling faces will die out.

Was my childhood happy?
The question marks that I have cast pierce deeply, deeply
I lose sight of even my footprints,
Repeating my everyday as I struggle on to that place.
And unable to find even the answers to my question marks
I start advancing towards the terminal again.

- - - -

Everyone has died, everything has blown off into pieces
I was left behind by myself at the end of wastelands...
Words like, "Surely, tomorrow...", this is just worthless junk
That's it, let me act suicidal, then it might be a little easier

Surrounded by the pitch black despair, these hands that I grasped frantically
Were the memories of very important persons that crumbled and vanished
The little hope that I found at last after suffering, suffering, SUFFERING
Even that is now rotting away as well

I am sick of hearing things like, "Dreams come true someday"
You hypocrites speaking so easily of things like "Hope" can fucking die
What should I wish for in this place where nothing exists but "Loneliness"?
What should I search for in a place where nothing exists but "Despair"?

There is no one, there is nothing, even pain has not remained in here
What I should have done in order to live, I could not find out whatever that was
Surrounded by the advancing solitude, now I am only, now I am only
Walking aimlessly in my sky of illusions, chewing on a blade of grass

- - - -

Today as well, his maddened thoughts
Abuse me
I do not understand anything
Of my own situation
He is snatching away from me everything
Irreplaceable things and important persons alike
It seems he hates me
It seems there is no necessity for it either

"Am I mistaken?"
"Are my whereabouts not here?"
You did not lean even one ear for me
You regarded me as a burden

Ah, what can I do, for someone that has never smiled at me?
Ah, what can I do, will I ever be able to open my heart to them?
Ah, what can I do, for someone that has never opened their heart to me?
Ah, what can I do, will I ever be able to cry for them?

You gave me wounds that will never disappear, even in a lifetime
You tore me off to shreds, down to my very heart
You gouged to pulp my wounds over and over as they were healing
I don't feel pain anymore, I don't feel anything anymore

Today as well, his maddened thoughts abuse me
Today as well, tomorrow as well, forever and ever
The "you" within me will not vanish
Please realize fast
What you have always been doing to me
Being able to kill even human beings...

- - - -

Yes, give me back all those I loved, the unchanging, the rotting, and the dying ones.
Yes, those being given birth to, those giving birth, those who sin,
human suffering begins from this time.

the faces of those who are dying seem so happy,
the faces of those being born seem so sad
Bye Bye Mother.
People in this society build nothing.
People of this society hurt each other unknowingly
I am alone.

Without a face the crowd gathers and sucks me in.

Look, my heart now being crushed feels like it's about to tear apart
I just wanna be held in warm hands and sleep.

My Sweet Mother smile, in the end let me sleep warmly
Deadly Sweet Mother smile, in the nighttime I'm going to sleep holding the pain.

No, there's no freedom, in freedom there's a wall of freedom,
return those I loved to me
Yes, in deciding the rules, those who decided them, by doing so, lose their freedom.

the faces of those who are dying seem so happy,
the faces of those being born seem so sad
Bye Bye Mother.
People in this society build nothing.
People of this society hurt each other unknowingly
I am alone.

My Sweet Mother smile, in the end let me sleep warmly
Deadly Sweet Mother smile, in the nighttime I hold the pain
My Sweet Mother smile, in the end let me sleep warmly
Deadly Sweet Mother smile, let me be free to say goodbye in the end.

- - - -

Only the dusty old photographs,
days pass
they lit the fire
with the pinwheel play with the child, the tears

rocking back and forth in the basket the baby laughs.

aa, goodbye
aa, the night wears on

the divine wind loses its divinity
and disappears into the dark
the light of the fireflies which spring
up on the night of our reunion

I see the image of you in this child you loved,
I'm going to you now, with this child in tow

aa, goodbye
aa, the night comes to a close

only you appear in the midst of the battlefield
floating on the water's surface.

the divine wind loses its divinity
and disappears into the dark
the shapes of the lilies blooming
on the night our renuion

the divine wind which lost its divinity
the light of the fireflies and the flower of the lily blooming
on the night of our renuion.

- - - -


the pessimistic, the merciless
the self loving, what are you looking at there?

amidst the comparison and proportions
you're screaming yourself mad.
this is what you wanted, right?
you must be a romanticist

all of a sudden I thought back, there's no love here.
run through again and again, I'm goign to break somewhere.

love me please. my blood, the meaning behind it
love me please, give this value to this day.

gasp for breath

- - - -